My hands are like frosty nubbins. I accost passersby and lay my hands upon them, but not in a colorful, faith-healing sort of way. No, I’m more like a zombie, staggering after them with my hands stretched out, crying “Heeeeaaat! Heeeeeeaaaaat!”

It’s good to touch napes with frozen fingers. I give people a reason to exercise. How many calories does one startled leap into the air burn?