When I went outside to the car this morning, I managed to push the panic button with my ass. There were roofers working on the neighbor’s house, and they all stood up and stared at me while I scrambled to try to turn it off. I clicked all the buttons on the key fob. I turned the car on. I moved it a couple of feet. I debated driving down the highway like a person in a parade, with my headlights flashing and my car honking.

I went inside to ask Steve to help me disconnect the battery and then it stopped.

I crept back out to the car, but it didn’t matter. The roofers still stared.

I gave them a very QEII sort of wave, adjusted my nonexistent tiara, and drove away.